E.I.E.I.OMG!

Despite what the title eludes to this blog posting has nothing to do with the antics of farm animals. E.I.E.I.OMG is an acronym for Ego, Id, Enamored, Indifferent, OMG! To fully understand we must break down each part.

Ego.
The Ego is the realistic part of the mind. This is the part that understands that for every action there is a reaction. The ego accepts this fact and behaves accordingly, or doesnt behave accordingly but understands that there may be consequences and is prepared to deal with them.

Id.
The Id is the part of the mind that continually seeks out pleasure and tries to avoid pain at all costs. The Id has 2 parts, one that seeks sexual pleasure and one that seeks destructive pleasure or simply the pleasure in destroying what may harm or cause pain to oneself.

Enamored.
Being enamored is loving someone or something intensely or excessively.

Indifferent.
Being indifferent is simply put, not caring one way or another.

So what do all of these have to do with each other? A lot when it comes to matters of the heart and being in love. Your Ego will tell you about the person you are or were with, how to handle things, and the possible consequences. This person is s right for you, stay with them and love them even though you are afraid, you will be happy. This person is completely wrong for you, leave them the next chance you get, otherwise you will be miserable. This person loves you, you love them, work through your problems, fears, etc. and you two will make it. This person doesnt love you at all, stop trying, otherwise you will just end up bringing yourself pain.

The Id will tell you everything you want to hear and blind you to certain other things to avoid causing you pain. The Id will also seek to destroy what can be true happiness because it is afraid that pain may come. If the relationship goes sour the Id will then seek revenge in an attempt to forget one's own pain and bring pain to the other person. The Id is the part of yourself that turns a blind eye to all of the fucked up things your partner does and focuses only on the happy times or the sex or something that makes you feel good about your fucked up situation. The Id is the part of yourself that tells you to end your relationship because things may get rough, go wrong, because others may not approve or you think that you should be with someone else, or simply because it is scared that at some point you may get hurt, even when you know for fact that the person you are with loves your dirty draws. The Id is also the part of you that when you are hurt by this person thinks of all sorts of ways to make them hurt just so that you will feel better.

Then there are the states of being enamored and being indifferent. When you are enamored the person you are with is the air you breathe, the beat of your heart, the sun in your day, and the stars and moon in your night. You will do anything for them, including lay down your life if it would make them happy or mean they would go on to breathe one more day. They can do no wrong in your eyes, even when your eyes see them doing wrong. No matter what they do to you or how they make you feel you stick by them like a siamese twin and love them unconditionally.

So what about when the relationship is over? What happens when this person is no longer with you and your heart is completely broken? Even worse, what happens when its over and you are still in the enamored state and they have reached the state of indifference? How do you deal with that, and how do you become indifferent toward someone you would lay it all on the line for? If I had those answers I would be a millionaire, or even better still, at the state of indifference. See, most people tend to view hate as the opposite of love, so they convince themselves that they hate the person who broke their heart. They seek revenge, they try to make the person's life miserable, they do everything they can to be angry at this person. Most people are wrong. Dead wrong. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. When you hate someone you are still devoting time, energy, and emotion into this person. This is the same thing you did when you were enamored. The only difference is instead of wanting to hug, kiss, and protect them you now want to choke, kill, and make their life a living Hell. The opposite of love is indifference. When you are indifferent nothing this person does will affect you, and you couldnt give a damn whether they exist or not because they hold absolutely no weight on your heart or your head.

If there is someone who you absolutely love and you know this person loves you with every fiber of their being, dont fight it because you're scared, because you think that there is something else better out there, because you are going through a rough time, or because of how you think you should be or because youre trying to be what others expect or want you to be. If this person makes you happy and you cant imagine what it would be like without them, then dont. Just stay and work it out together. If your Id has taken over and you have left them put your pride aside and talk to them. Tell them just how much they mean to you and how you know they are the one and you want to work it out. Trust me, if they love you like you know they do they will come back because they never wanted you to leave in the first place.

If there is someone who always makes you cry tears of pain and sadness, who treats you as though you dont matter, who shows you over and over again in so many ways that they dont give a damn about you, and who's love you question, leave! Someone who is truly worth your tears will not purposely do things to make you cry. If you have left, or they left you, and this toxic person tries to poison your life again, do not take them back no matter how you feel because you are setting yourself up for more and more pain. If they never loved you to begin with, and they didnt because they wouldnt have treated you that way, chances are they do not and will not love you now.

If you are enamored by someone it is wonderful for them because you will do anything to make them happy and you love them unconditionally. Just make sure that you also make yourself happy and love yourself unconditionally as well. We tend to put so much into the person we are enamored by that we let ourselves fall by the wayside, and should this person ever leave we have lost so much of ourselves that we dont know who we are anymore. We cannot function. Days turn into nights and back into days. We drown in our own tears. We are walking dead and empty shells of our former selves, and the person we once was doesnt exist anymore and we cant even remember who they were to try to get them back. It is perfectly fine to be enamored with someone, but also be enamored with yourself because once they are gone all you are left with is you!

While it is hard after a break-up to be indifferent you must do everything in your power to reach that much needed state of indifference if there is no way to reconcile or if the person is absolutely toxic. Once you understand that the relationship is over, come to terms with the fact that they arent coming back or that you are better off with them gone, and that no matter what you feel they dont feel the same you can start the journey to that higher plane of indifference. Dont bother to wonder about them because they arent wondering about you. Dont cry over them because they arent crying over you. Live your life because they are for certain living theirs. It hurts, its hard, but it is necessary. You will have your moments of breaking down, but those will become less and less until they eventually stop. Sometimes the road to indifference is long and rough but once you get there you will see how far you have come from the balled up salty-faced mess on the floor to someone who can hold their head up high and who doesnt define yourself by how much another loves you, but by how much you love yourself.

Love is a battlefield. You can either be a victorious soldier or a casualty. Its all up to you.

Reflect On 2008

On these last few hours of 2008 I would like everyone to reflect on this year and think about what you did right, what you did wrong, who you helped, who you hurt, what could you have done differently, and what you could not have done at all. As you sit there through your smiles, through your tears, through your happiness, hurt, and indifference, think about what you should take with you into 2009 and what you should leave in 2008.

If during these last few hours there is someone you love that you have been holding things back from, let them know. Whether it be good or bad, let them know. If there is someone you need to make amends with, try. Whether the outcome is good or bad, just try. If there is someone you are feuding with, end it. If there is someone you want to love and they dont know it, tell them. You never know what may happen. If there are things on your head or in your heart, let them out. You need to let them out. Write them out, cry them out, talk them out, shout them out, just let them out. You have had one full year to make mistakes, to accumulate regrets, to stow away "what if's," "I should's," "I wish's," and "I want to's." You have just a few hours to change them, fix them, apologize for them, start to mend them. You have just a few hours to open your mind and your heart to someone. You have a few hours to really let someone or something go. It is all up to you.

As these last few hours of 2008 fade away, ask yourself, "have I been someone I would truly be proud of this year?" Ask yourself, "have I done all that I could to love someone right?" Ask yourself, "have I truly deserved the love someone has bestowed upon me?" Ask yourself, "have I honestly done mostly good things this year?" Ask yourself, "if I wasnt me, what would I really think about the person I was this year?" Ask yourself, "what can I do to make sure I am a better person in 2009?"

As these last few hours of 2008 come to a close, do not focus on the partying, focus on you inner self as once the party is over 2009 will be here and you will still be you. I am not saying do not party, but think about everything that has led up to this day, led up to this final party of 2008, and think about how you can make it an even better party this day next year because you now know how you will be a better person.

When the Ball drops tonight and everyone is shouting Happy New Year think about the person you love. If they are next to you hold them like you will never hold them again. You two have made it through another year. If they are not near you, call them up and tell them how much you wish they were there so you could hold them. Hug and call your friends and family. Do not text. Anyone you truly love deserves to hear your voice. If you are alone tonight, hug yourself because you made it. You're still here, and whether you know it or not there is someone somewhere thinking about you. Even if it is just one person, they are out there.

Go into 2009 like its the last year you will ever see and make it count! Happy New Year everyone!

Perfect Circle?

In today's society there are so many different types of cultures and sub-cultures that it is impossible to learn them all. Just when you get used to one group of people there is another group that spins off of it, or a totally new group that forms. So why is it that with so many different types of people in the world are so many people so damn close-minded, ignorant, hypocritical, and judemental? The answer is simple...The Perfect Circle. The Perfect Circle exists only as a safe-haven for only those people that fit neatly inside of it and choose to continue to aimlessly and mindlessly follow the same neverending path. There are no twists, no turns, no corners, nothing. It just keeps going on and on the same way for eternity. When a person is in this circle and continues to go along with every, or almost every, little thing the circle remains perfect. Everyone has the same views, ideas, beliefs, and for the most part the same actions. Those inside the circle do not know that they are close-minded, ignorant, hypocritical, or judemental because everyone within the Perfect Circle is the same way. It isnt until someone outside of the Perfect Circle somehow manages to come inside that the foolishness is revealed. The sad part is that the inhabitants of the Perfect Circle view the outsider as wrong because he or she is the one that is different. The Perfect Circle has now become an oval, or in some cases a square, or maybe even an octagon depending on just how severely different the outsider is. What is most disturbing about this whole Perfect Circle thing is that we have all at some point or another been the outsider. We have all been the one to have made someone else's Perfect Circle a little less perfect, and we have all experienced what its like to feel different, feel outcast, feel like we dont belong. So instead of taking those feelings and making a conscious effort to never make anyone else feel that way, what do we do? We do what is safe and run back to our own Perfect Circle to ostricize, criticize, judge, belittle, outcast, and hurt someone else who isnt in our own Perfect Circle.

Many of you are reading this and saying "I dont do that" or "thats not me" but you're lying. How often have we all seen someone who looks different and made a judgement about them. The Goths and Emos are labeled Devil worshippers or psychos because they dress in dark clothing, listen to a certain type of music, wear different styles of make-up, and different hairstyles. The truth of the matter is that neither of these groups worship the Devil and some of the absolute smartest and most creative people could have been categorized as any one of these groups if these lables were around back then. Do the names Edgar Allan Poe or William Shakespeare ring any bells?

How often have we sworn off a certain race of people because they look differently, their beliefs are different, they eat different foods, they dress differently? How often have we categorized an entire race or religion of people and outcast them, treated them badly, made them feel less than human because of something that a few people of that race or religion have done? Then there are the worst of them all, when people get together to kill off or enslave a group of people because of these things. Do the events or words Slavery, Holocaust, Crusades, Salem Witch Trials, and the most recent War On Terrorism ring any bells? Let us not forget the countless other countries, religious and racial groups, and those who have been labeled as something that goes against the norm who were captured, killed, beaten, enslaved, cast out of their lands, etc etc all because one Perfect Circle deemed it so.

How often have we judged, outcast, and hated someone because of who they love or how they self-identify? How many times have we made a mockery of someone because of this? How many times have we disassociated or excommunicated someone we have known for years, who is in our Perfect Circle, a friend, a family memeber because of this? How many times have we sentenced someone to Hell as though we were God Himself? How often have we thought it completely fair and just to take away basic rights because a person is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgendered? Then it gets worse...how many of us have beaten, raped, tortured, or killed someone because they belong to the LGBT community and how many more in that community have to die? Does the event Stonewall, or the names Sakia Gunn, Matthew Shepard, or Brandon Teena ring any bells?

How many of us have made fun of, questioned the mental abilities, or treated someone with a disability less than human? How many of us have done this to an elderly person? How many of us have automatically questioned whether or not someone of the opposite gender was right for a certain task and then if he or she is questioned his or her sexuality? How many of us have behaved as though the person outside of our Perfect Circle was contaminated, plagued, contagious, infectious, dirty, or beneath us?

Don't let the LGBT person touch you because he or she has AIDS. The person in the wheelchair can't walk so they must also be stupid or deaf so we have to speak extremely loudly to them or talk to them as though they are a child. The man who doesnt enjoy sports is obviously a fag, and the woman who does is obviously a dyke. Muslims, or anyone who we think has that look, are terrorists and therefore must be closely watched and questioned every chance we get. I can go on and on, and the fact that I can is sad and sickening.

These Perfect Circles serve no purpose other than to corrupt those within it and hurt those outside of it. The sad part is that they continue to exists generation after generation within every country, every race, every religion. And before we go on to blame another country lets take a look at the Pledge of Allegiance for the good ol USA. One Nation under God...how do you think God feels about the unfair treatment so many of His children receive in a country that claims to be under Him? Indivisible...yeah right? This country is so divided its impossible to know just how many parts will make it whole. And the best part...With liberty and justice for all...This is the most blatant lie of the entire pledge. Unless of course "all" refers to those within the Perfect Circle and anyone outside of it doesnt count. If there was truly liberty and justice for all there would be no racial profiling, the LGBT people would have the same exact rights and privileges as the heterosexuals, the disabled would not have to worry about being fired or not even hired, and the elderly would not have to worry about being mistreated or taken advantage of simply because they got old.

People are raised in these Perfect Circles and most never leave. Most tend to say "this is how I was brought up." Have you ever stopped to think that maybe you were brought up wrong? Just because something has always been done a certain way does not make it right. I will never understand how someone can judge, discriminate, outcast, belittle, hurt, maim, or kill someone else because they are different. We are all different. Everyone seems to forget that every race, creed, color, religion, country, etc has been oppressed, downtrodden, mistreated, and abused by some other group at some point. How quickly we forget. Black people need to remember slavery and the Civil Rights Movement before judging another group of people. Jews need to remember the Holocaust. Everyone needs to take a look at their own history and see what happened to your people before you hate someone else.

Lets break it down further shall we. Families and friends, you have loved and cared for someone, raised someone, laughed, cried, confided, leaned on, and have memories with someone. How can you judge,mistreat, or outcast this person because of who they love, because they chose a different religion, because they dress or act differently? Wake up! These Perfect Circles are not perfect at all. Anything that serves to teach or encourage each other to hurt someone else is not perfect. It is perfect to you and those inside of it because it isnt any of you who feel the pain it causes. It is perfect to you because you are safe within it. It is perfect to you because you dont know anything else.

The bravest people are the ones who understand that these Perfect Circles are not perfect and stand up to change the shape. Those are the people who will get up and leave the circle if they have to and go on to find another shape. A square, a pentagon, an octagon, anything that has angles, twists, turns, and doesnt keep revolving around and around on the same endless, mindless, aimless path. If you are within the Perfect Circle and know damn well you dont fit, stop pretending. Just leave. It will be hard, but its necessary for your own sanity, peace of mind, and freedom to be you. If you have to hide yourself and who you are because you are afraid of what those in the Perfect Circle will think you already know your circle isnt perfect and its time for you to leave. It may be lonely at first because you dont know anything other than that Perfect Circle, but believe and trust that you will find your place within another shape, and when you do, I implore you, do not forget your own struggle, and do not make any more Perfect Circles.

Forwards

Ok I know we have all fallen victim to the dreaded and the unvanquishable Forward. If you haven't then you either live under a rock or you're Amish which is basically the same thing as living under a rock. If you are Amish and reading this then you must be on Rumspringa and in which case you've already received a Forward. You just didn't know what it was. Anyway, back to the point. Forwards. They can be funny or sentimental when done in moderation, but in most cases they're fucking irritating wastes of time to send and read. The email forwards are irritating enough, but for fuck's sake, the text forwards are by far the most irritating. But before we get into why, let's first examine the different types of Forwards and then some Do's and Dont's.

Types

Chain Letters - we all know these. These are the fucking pain in the ass, unusually long, emails that at the end asks you to forward it to anywhere from 5-5,000,000 people. These letters also have consequences associated with them, or some type of guilt trip if you don't send them on.

Example 1: Little Suzy is 5 years old. She has been missing since 1976. Please help her family by sending this message to everyone in the universe within the next 13.5mins. If you do not forward this on you are a heartless bastard and deserve to rot in Hell.

Problem: The email has probably reached the kidnapper by now and to cover his own ass he has killed little Suzy, chopped her up, fed her to the dog, and has gone on to kidnap some other kid in an area where internet access has not been established. So by forwarding this foolishness you have actually contributed to the death of now 37 year old Little Suzy. I hope you're proud of yourself!

Example 2: *random religious icon* loves you. If you are not ashamed to show you love *random religious icon* please forward this to everyone you know. If you do not forward this message you will suffer the eternal consequences you deserve because you are obviously an athiest.

Problem: Not everyone you know believes in *random religious icon*. So by forwarding this you have just offended those people by forcing your beliefs upon them. How would you feel if someone of another religion sent you 1000 Forwards asking you to believe, pray to, worship, and spread the word of the entity they believe in and had no regards for your beliefs? Stop it! Know your audience! There is also nowhere in the Bible, Qu'ran, Torah, etc that states you must do this or you will go to whatever eternally bad place. If it does, then its not a religious text, its a big huge FORWARD!

Example 3: You have just been email humped by the Humpy the Frog. Send this to 10 people in 3 minutes or you will have a horrible sex life.

Problem: First of all, most people don't want to be humped by a frog or any other species for that matter. Secondly, what if I'm practicing celibacy, a virgin by choice, or just can't get any? Do I care that my sex life will be bad if its non-existent? This is stupid! A person's sex life is not determined by whether they do or don't forward an email. Actually I'm wrong. If you have time to sit there and forward all this foolishness then you are obviously sexless and believe that forwarding the emails will somehow help you. Newsflash you fuckless tard, IT WON'T! You're wasting time forwarding crap when you can be on some dating service site or actually outside trying to get laid!

Example 4: *insanely rich corporation or mogul* is going to pay you for each email you forward as part of some ridiculous and made up scam. Please forward this message on and for every person you send it to *insanely rich corporation or mogul* will send you $47,236.29. If you do not forward this on you will suffer immeasurable poverty for the rest of your life.

Problem: *insanely rich corporation or mogul* is not going to pay you one red cent and in fact will probably sue you for everything you own for associating their name with some dumbass scam! No one pays you for forwarding emails unless you first give them $29.95 to become a member of some other scam site. Good luck getting rich you dilusional broke bastard!

Inspirational - we all know these. These are the emails with some long story about a little 87 year old lady who sat in a college class and graduated because she wanted to do something with herself before she died. These are also emails about how special a friend you are, how much of a strong man or woman you are, how no matter what is going on in life it could be worse and its ok that your car has been repossessed, you've been evicted, and you're now wiping your ass with 3 day old newspaper, because the person who sent you the email loves you. There are no consequences associated with these emails, however, they do implore you to forward them on to everyone you love, hate, had sex with, haven't seen in 35 years, are best friends, sisters, or brothers with.

Problem: Most people don't give a shit! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! There is nothing you can get in an email forward that will inspire you to change your entire life and nine times out of ten the lonely and newly inspired twit who sent you the email is not one of your closest friends or anywhere near it. More than likely you haven't actually had a real conversation with them in months or years and the only time you ever hear from them is when they send you a stupid ass forward. You want to be inspired? Keep reading and I hope you're inspired to stop sending this kind of foolishness.

Jokes - we have all received these. These are the emails that are meant to be funny, and sometimes they are.

Problem: They become very unfunny when a person has received the same joke 1000 times or when there are 1000 jokes a day flooding their box. If a person can read the first line of a joke and verbatim recite the rest with their eyeballs rolling so far back that they can see what they thought about last week, there is a problem. Also, most of the so-called jokes are not funny. Stop forwarding jokes! If the person wants to laugh they can turn on comedy central or go on YouTube!

Surveys - we occasionally get these. These are the ones that ask you to fill out a bunch of random information about yourself and then pass it on so someone can read all your business and then replace your information with their own. They are anywhere from 20-200 questions long. They usually have a question at the end that asks who will respond.

Problem: This shit never ends! These can go on forever because each person you send it to will now replace your information with their own and SEND IT RIGHT BACK TO YOU! So for each survey you fill out and send to 20 people, if those people have as little a life as you, you will get 20 back! Maybe, just maybe, someone actually has a life and will not fill out this foolishness and end this Godawful cycle! The sad thing is that when people get to the question that asks who will respond most people can only think of one or two, but then send it to 20! So now you're purposely sending it to people you know don't care! Maybe you should send a survey asking how many people actually like getting these and then only send it to them you fucking inconsiderate bored bastard!

Now that we have evaluated the different types of emails and the problems associated with them, we can move on to some Do's and Dont's.

DO's & DONT's

• DO know your target. DON'T send someone of a different religion than you a forward promoting the entity you pray to. This is placing your beliefs upon them. Unless they said it is ok, DON'T send it.
• DO be respectful. DON'T send out 1000 forwards to the same person. Just because you don't care about your inbox being flooded doesn't mean they dont care. Pace yourself and understand that you will not suffer any ridiculous consequence or repercussion for not sending every forward to every person in 12 seconds.
• DO read who got the forward before you. DON'T send the same damn forward to someone who already received it. Forwards are bad enough, but multiple of the same stupid ass forward is just really irritating.
• DO take hints. DON'T keep sending forwards to people you never hear from, who never respond, and who never forward you anything. More than likely this person is just being nice and deleting them all without telling you that you're being an annoying pain in the ass Spammer.

Text forwards now are a different ballgame. While email is free, text messaging is not. Therefore you really need to limit the amount of text forwards you send unless you want someone to send you their cell phone bill showing an overage charge of $2000 for text messages because you can't seem to stop clicking FORWARD! Some people actually pay for their texts because they don't text a lot and paying for unlimited text messaging makes no sense. Be respectful. Again, know who you're sending the forwards to and if you aren't sure ask them if its ok.

I am quite certain someone has already cursed me out along the lines of "bitch don't act like you dont forward shit!" I never said I didn't did I? I'm just very selective of the foolishness I forward and I also only forward certain things to certain people. Not everyone has the same personality or sense of humor so not everyone gets the same damn forward! I also know who has unlimited texting, who will appreciate what, and who I can and cannot send dumb shit to. All I'm asking is that everyone else exercise the same courtesy. It will save so many of you from getting cursed out or blocked.

Just for fun I am pasting a forward I got which I thought was pretty funny. I didn't make this up, nor do I know who did to give proper credit, but here it is anyway.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot). Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck! I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al-Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore or Uzbekistan . I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day...
LOVE,
YOUR PARANOID EMAIL-BUDDY

Now that you're done reading this, copy and paste it into an email and forward it to everyone on the planet (except for me since I wrote it) in the next 27.361 seconds or you will be brutally raped by Space Monkeys, get evicted, everyone you care about will die, you will have no sex life other than the Space Monkeys, and you will go to Hell where you will be eternally feasted upon by zombies. Oh and remember, you are my sister, brother, strong black-white-asian man or woman, and me and *random religious icon* loves you!

In Stores Now!

So its finally official! It has been a long time in the making but I have finally put together my book, entitled Wyld Wymyn, and it is available for purchase in either print copy or as a download. This is just the first in many more to come. Please show your support. I am literally a starving artist lol. For those who are familiar with my work you will notice some flashback pieces as well as some new content. For those of you who are new to my work I hope you enjoy my book and pass along the word to others who you think will enjoy it as well. Thank you all in advance.

Purchase by clicking the buy now button below!

PS I am now officially known as Wyld Chyld. For my former fans who know me as Lil AJ, that persona is long gone and I now have a different side that you will all get to know very soon ;)

Whats In A Name?

Romeo once said "Whats in a name? That which we call a rose by another name would smell as sweet." That may be the case when talking about roses, but when talking about naming your children that shit just doesnt fly. I dont think parents really pay attention to the fact that the name you give your child is stuck with them for life. When you thought of the name "Quantashaniqua" or "Rayquandre" and thought it was cute, damn the fact that the name weighs more than the child did at birth, did you not bother to think that one day little "Quantashaniqua" or "Rayquandre" would one day be big "Quantashaniqua" or "Rayquandre" and would eventually be applying to colleges and jobs? Something about "Quantashaniqua Jones" or "Rayquandre Jenkins" makes a potential employer cringe and ball up the applications and play wastepaper basketball.

A study done by Marianne Bertrand and Sendhil Mullainathan of the University of Chicago and MIT respectively, found that of identical high quality resumes the ones with white sounding names had a 30% call back rate while the ones with the black sounding names had only a 9% call back rate. The study itself is difficult to find online without having to pay, but in case anyone wants to know, the study is called "Are Emily and Greg More Employable Than Lakisha and Jamal?" There were a number of other studies done as well and these, along with the statistics, can be found in an article entitled 'Black Names A Resume Burden? Study: 'Black Sounding' Names Prompt Fewer Job Callbacks. Oddly enough, the adorable little family in the article's picture is headed by black mom Michelle, who found it necessary to name her children Khalima, Alaysia, and Denzil. Those are not the worst names by far but still very distinguishable.

Now dont get me wrong. I am all for the cultural names, however, there isnt shit cultural about Quantashaniqua or Rayquandre. Thats just damn ghetto. We all know the difference between a truly ethnic name and a name that looks like it was made up of some random letters pulled out of a hat or the letters you cant do shit with on a scrabble board and arranged the best way possible. Khalid is cultural, Amira is cultural. Keyvondre is ghetto, Aquanisha is ghetto. To make things easier for you ghetto asses who are currently pregnant or will probably become pregnant, stay the fuck away from anything beginning with De, La, Ta, Ty, Sha, Qua, Key, Ray (unless Raymond), or ending in Sha, Qua, Shawn, or Dre (unless Andre with no other letters in front of it). While we're on the subject, stop naming your kids after alcoholic beverages and cars. So shit like Alize, Hennessey, and Lexus should not be on anyone's birth certificate. Also stop naming your children after jewels and random words from the dictionary. Adjectives and terms of endearment should also not be used. Nine times out of ten no one is going to think little Precious is precious but your ghetto black ass, and your little Princess is going to grow up to be a Ghetto Queen. Those are fine for nicknames but they dont belong on a birth certificate. Naming your kids after your babydaddy's stage name, hustle name, or street name is also a big no-no, and for God's sake, please please please stop combining both of your normal names together to make one ugly ass ghetto name. For example, Michelle and Shawn should never be combined to make Michawn or Shawnelle, and if the both of you already have ghetto names for the love of all that is Holy DO NOT COMBINE THEM!! Quantashaniqua and Rayquandre should never ever ever get together for fear that there will be little Quantarayqua or Rayshandre running around the projects.

Im quite certain I've offended someone who either has one of those fucked up names, or someone who is thinking of naming their child one of those fucked up names. Guess what? I dont give a rat's ass! Dont blame me, blame your mama. Not everyone is lucky like Condoleeza Rice to have such a fucked up name and actually become something. Most people stay where the name originated, in the ghetto, to name their children the same ghetto shit and continue the cycle. Black ass people wake up already. Im not saying to name your kid Cody or Katie, but for fuck sake, find a happy medium!

No, No, No

Amy Winehouse had a smash hit in 2007 with Rehab, and the whole world sang along proudly, "NO, NO, NO!" However, for the people who actually live with someone who needs to be checked into one of these facilities its no laughing matter. There are millions of substance abusers, and there are tens of millions whose lives are affected by them. Think about that for a moment. Think about how for every addict there are ten people in their lives who are affected in some way or another by their addiction. In 2006 it was reported that 8.3%, or 20.4M people, abuse some type of drug in any given month. Of these people, 17.9M were age 18+ and employed. Now here is the kicker, only 4M people got treatment, when it was estimated that at least 23.6M needed to be treated. View the full report here.

Think about those statistics for a moment. The total US population in 2006 was estimated at 299,398,484. That means aproximately 1 out of every 13 people was addicted to some sort of drug or alcohol. Just think about how many people you pass by every day, work with in a close proximity, or just happen to know personally. Now think again, 1 out of every 13. Count 13 people and try to imagine one of them needing to go to rehab. Not such a funny or hot song anymore is it? Im sure its even less funny for the people who are affected by the ones who need help and continuously say "NO, NO, NO!"

Now lets go back to those 17.9M employed abusers who get up and go to work everyday and have nearly functioning lives, save for the fact that either before or after work they are high or drunk off of something. These are what we call "functioning addicts" and these are by far the absolute worst of the addicts because many of them feel that since they can hold down a job, pay bills, and support their own habits that they are not addicts. Just because you can drag your drunken ass out of bed every day and go to work does not make you any less of a drunk. Just because you can support your own crack habit with the money you earned at work does not make you any less of a crackhead. For all of you losers who think that this doesnt apply to you because all you smoke is weed, you too are an addict if you wake up to and go to bed with a blunt every damn day. You are a weedhead. I will admit that weed is not as bad as crack by far, but you should not take your last $5 to by weed when your kid doesnt have diapers or you dont have any gas in your car.

Seriously people, drug and alcohol addiction is very serious, and it consumes the lives of far too many people. I understand sometimes someone needs a drink or a blunt to wind down. I cant understand needing crack to relax but hey, maybe some people do. Its when it becomes something you need to do, and your body is craving, that there is a problem. This goes for you tobacco users as well. Nicotine is a drug. Not sure if all you cigarette smokers, tobacco chewers, and tobacco sniffers (dont ask) know that but it is. So yes, you too are an addict. If you dont think you are step out of yourself and look how you act when you "need a cigarette" or when someone threatens to take your pack, even if there is only one lonely stoge left in it.

If someone in your life tells you that you have a problem please take heed. Why? Because you have a problem, and its hurting you, and its hurting them. If you have to have a cigarette everytime you get a break, you have a problem. If your woman has to hide her cooking wine, you have a problem. If you hide your drugs or liquor in various places in your house so no one will find it you KNOW you have a fucking problem and are trying not to let others in on your secret. If you cant function during the day without a blunt, you have a problem. If you are an absolute bitch or a gotdamn zombie because you havent had your coffee (no I didnt forget about you caffeine addicts) you have a problem. If you go on "missions" at random ass times of day or night looking for "Slim" you really have a fucking problem and you have already probably stolen the hot water knobs off of your faucet and sold them or sucked some dick by now. GET HELP! Please. If not for your sake, for those who you care about, if you're not so far gone that you just dont care anymore. Then again, someone that far gone wont be reading this because they have already sold their computer, so there is still hope for you if you are reading this. I know I make light of the most serious topics and Im as sarcastic as they come, but Im dead serious. Get help. If you have someone who you know needs help, please do everything you can to either get this person help, or just get them out of your life until they get help. For those who have already gotten help and have fallen by the wayside again, remember, we fall down but we get up. Get back up again. Trust me, there is someone out there with an extended hand willing to help you.